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Charles Jaco has written opinion and commentary pieces for dozens of magazines and newspapers. Each week, read and comment on a fresh on-line version. The discussion page enables you to share your view points world wide. If you would like to make a comment go to the " Join the discussion" link below. If you would like to view past editorials visit the Editorial Archive. Editorial 12/22/00 note: for links to information resources on the new Bush era, go to NewsBoom MEMO TO SANTA Dear Santa: Thanks for the nifty new White House. Mr. Cheney and the other grown-ups say I can't move in for a month or so, but Poppy says that's fine since it's a smaller house in a black neighborhood anyway. Poppy says I should ask you now for things for next year, since he says I may be too busy to write. I can't see how, since what I mainly do now is sign those neat death warrants and he says in the new job I won't even have to do that. Anyway, all these people have been really good this year and have given me some really keen stuff, so I think you should be extra nice to them next year. I'd like you to deliver some big fat pensions to that neat Mrs. O'Conner and Mr. Rhenquist. Poppy says they held onto their jobs even though they'd rather be in an all-white country club in Century Village hitting golf balls. They didn't want that yukky Gore kid to get my new house. Mr. Rhenquist even wrote an opinion saying that Article Two of the Constitution didn't provide for people to directly vote for president. Wow, that must be an important job have when they have to write down their opinions. I just get to say mine. By the way, do you know what Article Two is? Poppy says it sounds like the second item he'd read in the nasty old Washington Post. Whatever that is. Brother Jeb has had a tough year. Poppy says the voters may give him a vacation, which would be really nice of them. I thought I might ask for some swell new voting machines for him. But Poppy says that would just make it too easy for the wrong kinds of people to get their votes counted. So I'm asking for a big straw for him, you know, one of those really nice ones like come with a Big Gulp. Poppy says most of his job is sucking up to the Cuban exiles, so I figure the straw would help a lot. That sweet Mrs. Harris has a great job. She's Secretary of State of Florida. Wow, I mean, that must be tough, being the secretary for an entire state. She must spend all day just answering the phones. I don't know much about icky girl stuff, so I'd thought about asking you for a calculator, since Mr. Cheney says she has trouble counting. Ha ha. Mommy says make-up would be a really nice gift, but Poppy said something about coals to Newcastle and said I might as well get her some spackle and a trowel. So could you deliver those, please? Poppy says I should get something nice for the press, but I'm not sure. That mean old Economist magazine showed me on the cover in what Mr. Cheney says looks like a bad suit from Sears with a caption that said "The Accidental President." But Mr. Cheney says they were too chicken to do much tough reporting on me, so that's nice I guess. He says I should ask you to deliver a nice capon to each of their houses. I asked him what a capon is. He says it's like a steer, only it's a duck with its manhood in a blind trust. Whatever that means. I'd like to ask for a lot of really nifty things for a lot of people who like me a lot. I don't know their names, but on the radio they're usually "Joe from Forest Glen" or something like that. They call into all these swell talk radio stations and say things like I won more square miles and more counties than that Gore kid. They also say even though he got more votes it doesn't mean anything, since the counties that voted for him have higher crime rates and are full of people like Negroes. I heard Poppy laugh once when he listened to a radio caller and say, "Oh brother, get a life." So if you have any spares, could you plase deliver them some new lives? They seem to be having some trouble with their old ones. Poppy says I should ask you for a nice gift for the conservative Christians. I'm not sure about that either, since I don't think that Mrs. Schlafly and even reverends like Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson like me too much. But Poppy says they kept their mouths shut during the campaign. I asked him why that was a good thing and he said when they open them they scare people. So I guess it's sort of like being Freddy Kreuger, which is sad. Poppy says they'd like a nice Attorney General and even the entire Justice Department, so if you have any spare attorneys who are also generals, please deliver them. I asked Colin Powell if he was an attorney, too. He laughed and called me "blockhead", which is his new favorite nickname for me. Poppy doesn't like that old Mr. Greenspan much. He said Mr. Greenspan raised interest rates in 1991 and cost Poppy his election. I guess an interest rate means whether you're more interested or less interested in something. But I like Mr. Greenspan. Mr. Cheney told me Mr. Greenspan has interest rates high again and we should talk about how a recession's coming. I asked him what a recession is. He told me it's when people lose their jobs, sort of like that Gore kid. But I heard an announcement on the Cartoon Channel that the economy hasn't been this good in a billion zillion years. Mr. Cheney says we should just pretend we can tell the future, sort of like a game, so that way we can cut taxes and take all the money and give it away. I like giving things away. Mr. Greenspan says we should use the money to pay off something called the national debt, but I figure if the nationals have debts, it's their problem.So could you please get Mr. Greenspan a new job? Poppy says we're stuck with him for four more years, but if I keep slapping him on the back like he's choking on a chicken bone he might decide to leave early. That's about all, Santa. Poppy says I should keep thanking you for getting me into that nice Andover prep school and then Yale, but I'm not dumb. I know Poppy gave me those presents and just pretended to be you. But thanks again for the White House. It's always nice to move back into the old family house. At least that's what Poppy and Mr. Cheney say. Your friend, George
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