Charles Jaco has written opinion and commentary pieces for dozens of magazines and newspapers. Each week, read and comment on a fresh on-line version. The discussion page enables you to share your view points world wide. If you would like to make a comment go to the " Join the discussion" link below. If you would like to view past editorials visit the Editorial Archive. Editorial: 08/11/2000 LIES, DAMN LIES, AND CONVENTIONS The Republicans are inclusive, the Democrats are moral, and war is peace.   The earnest young Marine corporal in desert camo was troubled. "Sir?" I looked up from adjusting the goggles on my Kevlar helmet. "Yes?" "Sir, about your dogtags." "They ready yet?" "No sir. Not until you list a religion." "I did." "Sir, I'm informed that Centcom does not recognize 'None of the Above' as a religion. And we can't let you in the field without everything filled out. Name, blood type, SS number, religion. Sir." Central Command's reasoning was pretty sound. If you were captured, the Iraqis wouldn't mind "Protestant" or "Catholic", since it meant you were a believer. They Pentagon was giving Jews the option of becoming Methodist or Lutheran for the duration, since the Iraqis would definately be uphappy to see "Jewish" on dogtags. But "None"? That could guarantee a syringe of acid injected into your eyeball or electrodes taped to your testicles or something else Islam might decree for non-believers. Or at least the Marine PAO said as much. So now it seems the Democrats think the American public is a lot like the Iraqi army. If their kickoff rally in Nashville (biggest industry--religious publishing) was any indication, Joe Lieberman proposes to hit us over the head with the Books of Moses throughout the campaign while Al Gore finishes us off with the New Testament. It seems Lieberman's piety has rubbed off on Gore, who in the spirit of the moment is resurrecting Tipper's ill-fated mid-Eighties campaign against music lyrics. Rememeber that? And you thought the Republicans were the only ones nostalgic for the Reagan Administration. The party that gave us "I did not have sex with that woman," bought-and-paid-for Lincoln bedroom sleepovers, a White House filing system run by David Copperfield (Watch the file disappear. Now watch it appear again), fund-raising suck-ups to a ruthless Chinese dictatorship, and shameless money-grubbing at a Bhuddist temple now proposes to be the party of Billy Graham, the Pope, and the Patriarch of Jerusalem. It's bad enough that we have to listen to millionaire jocks and baggypants rappers thank Jesus, Yahweh, the Lord, and/or Allah at every opportunity. Now we'll have to put up with Gore and Lieberman channeling Bill Bennett and Jerry Falwell. But then, if the Republicans try to palm themselves off as the touchy-feely party of gay Afro-Latino diversity, then the Democrats should be able to bleat about moral values. Both are trying to use what precious little prime time convention coverage they get to dispell some ugly distortions based on fact--that the Democrats are amoral, family-hating Visigoths and the Republicans are fat, white, and racist. Deception and camouflage are old and respected tactics, whether the wars are military or cultural. The GOP figures voters want a party with a little more cuddle and a little less jihad, while the Democrats calculate that a touch of Talmudic Calvinism can't hurt after four years of Bill and Hillary. As long as we all know they're both lying, we'll be fine. Besides, I'm not above a little head-fake myself. I'm the proud owner of the only set of combat correspondent dogtags I know of that are stamped with the words "Druid, Reformed".   , , . [u.,/;.; Join the discussion

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