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Charles Jaco has written opinion and commentary pieces for dozens of magazines and newspapers. Each week, read and comment on a fresh on-line version. The discussion page enables you to share your view points world wide. If you would like to make a comment go to the " Join the discussion" link below. If you would like to view past editorials visit the Editorial Archive.
Editorial: 2/18/2000 NOTE---I'm going to be in Mexico delivering a series of speeches on U.S.-Mexican
relations for the next few days. The NewsViews section won't be updated again until
the weekend of March 4-5. Refunds are available at the box office.
Now that Fox TV has combined the best aspects of a beauty pageant and a slave
auction into one show, I've come up with the next sure-fire hit: pay-per-view
executions.
Think about it. Fox's "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" got phenominal
ratings. In fact, so many women accessed the Fox web site wanting a chance to marry
a rich guy that the web site crashed. It looked suspiciously like a bordello parade
where ladies of the evening sashay in front of prospective johns. Except in this
case, it wasn't a trick for a few hundred bucks. It was agreeing to marry someone
they'd never met in exchange for a few million. Maybe the difference is just a
function of zeroes. The more zeroes in the cash at stake, the less the contestants
look like prostitutes.
Then, there's ABC's "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" the smash hit of the year.
Two different networks have made mammoth hits out of greed. Moving down the seven
deadly sins list, we come to the giant success of ultra-violent, homo-erotic, smash-
mouth professional wrestling. Vince McMahon, head cheese of the World Wrestling
Federation, has it pretty much nailed down: "We just give the public what they want,
and this is what they want."
Hmmm. So if we believe the ultimate arbiter of free-market tastes, the Nielson
Ratings, the two forces driving audience tastes are greed and violence. And since
what the free market decides is, by definition, good, let's combine them into the
biggest hit yet.
First up: round up TV executives or Russian mafia bosses--who are pretty much
the same people anyway--and have them dig deep into their cash reserves. Offer, say,
fifty million dollars to the state that'll allow them to put an execution on live
television. I'd start with Florida, since they still use Old Sparky, an electric
chair that was already old enough to vote when Eisenhower became president. That
way, there's always a chance that the condemned prisoner will catch fire, or at least
have smoke pour out of his eyes and ears. After all, who wants to see an execution
where all that happens is someone gets an injection, falls asleep, and dies?
Borring.
Then, set up an interactive web site. Viewers get to answer a series of questions,
like "What is the only state to still use a firing squad?" (Utah), or "What religious
broadcaster interviewed Ted Bundy the night before he was executed and was convinced
pornography turned Bundy into a killer?" (Richard Dobson), or "What three states
executed the most people in 1999?" (Texas, Missouri, Florida).
The ultimate winner gets a million dollars, and the opportunity to get on the
phone with the host in the execution chamber (I nominate Wink Martindale). Wink
would rumble "What do we do now?", and the winner shouts "Give 'em the juice,
Wink!" Then, zzaapp, regular and extra crispy.
Outlandish? Oh come on now. If it sells, it's automatically good. And you
know as welll as I do that a society that salivates over money, that glues itself
to wrestling spectacles without any good guys and that falls all over itself to
marry a stranger with lots of cash would be more than willing to watch somebody
fry on live television.
I should copyright the idea. Then I'll just sit back, wait for ABC or CBS
or NBC or ABC to call, and count the stock options. Let's do lunch.
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